On this New Year's Eve, I hope that we can go up. I hope that we can come together amongst our brokenness and find faith in each other. I hope we do not have to experience so many sinking hearts because another gun was fired unjustly or because another life was so suddenly taken from us. Over Christmas, my dad asked if I wanted to find or write a prayer for Christmas dinner. I found one online that instantly resonated with me, so I copied and pasted it into a document and added some of my own words to it: Dear loving Lord, You didn’t come to a perfect world. You came to people, full of complexity and confusion. You came humbly, to a simple family, to walk a journey of tears and glory. Now come again to our fragile hearts Let our hearts be your home. Prepare that place where peace and joy surround us. Let us be humble, receiving and giving your ever loving mercy. May our souls sing praise and dwell in your love and hope. In Your name, Amen [original Christmas prayer] We do not live in a perfect world. We are complex beings. We have fragile hearts. But I hope through this fragility and complexity, we can search and find hope and love in each other. If we can dwell in this faith, we can thrive and grow as we exist together in this ever spinning world. to conclude, watch what this world searched for this year:
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“Which do concert do you think was better - the one last night or the one two years ago?” my dad asked me as we cautiously navigated poorly plowed rural roads on the way back to St. Olaf. I hadn’t really stopped to think about it. Two years ago, we received tickets to go see Michael W. Smith and Amy Grant at the Target Center. I remember hearing this news and getting excited. Except that will be close to finals week I had thought to myself. I better make sure I plan all my work ahead of time. Except, the funny thing about life is, you can’t always plan ahead of time. Two years ago when we entered Target Center for this concert, I was debuting a pixie, a bandaged scar on my neck, and some shaken spirit. But I was beginning to love the easy maintance of my hair and the way it looked with my glittery silver headband. And I liked that a few days before someone at a coffee shop had wondered if the scar on my neck was from a vampire bite. All that needed some uplifting was my Christmas spirit. I remember that night my soul was filled with beautiful voices and orchestration. Lights, music and love filled the Target Center and my spirit was renewed as I prepared to face the unknown days ahead. This year, I wore a dress that was worn during another amazing concert I had experienced during my treatment. My hair now requires more scrunching and bobby pins as it slowly returns to the length I have been missing. We went to a nice restaurant and I enjoyed a sparkling wine poinsettia drink with my newly aquired “I am now 21” ID. The concert was just as uplifting and wonderful as I remember it. Michael W. Smith and Amy Grant walked out on stage holding hands which reinforced the strong feeling of love in the room. This show definitely had more funny and playful moments, all of which my sister and I laughed about in ways that only we think were funny - partly I think because we have grown so much closer in these last couple of years. There was an additional singer on the stage this year - Jordan Smith, the recent winner of The Voice. His voice was so strong and powerful and gave me chills all night. After the show, he walked right in front of us and so we decided to scramble in line to get his autograph. He was humble and beaming which made me so happy - I know he will be going places and I'm glad we were able to be there and cheer him on at the beginning of his career. So, to answer the question - I’m not sure I can say which year was better. Two years ago was a scary time, but that night is also at the top of my list as one of the best experiences I had during that tough time. I think that counts for something, don’t you? And this year we witnessed old and new voices - both of which brought us great joy and hope. Last Sunday, we went to the Christmas Fest concert at St. Olaf. Two years ago, attending that concert was my first time stepping back on campus with the knowledge that lymphoma was inside of me. Although I loved every minute of that time, it definitely made me more sad when I realized I wouldn’t be returning to that campus anytime soon. But I was surrounded by my amazing friends who couldn’t stop hugging me when I found them after the concert. I took comfort in their friendship and knew everything would be okay. This year, I wore my Norwegian sweater which always expresses my great love for St. Olaf. I took a picture with my friend I have met since the last concert, and together we celebrated good health and amazing music. Many things have changed between these concerts, but I will always look at them fondly despite surrounding circumstances - and it is all due to the amazing people I have filled my life with.
Carols Sing It is Christmastime at St. Olaf and my heart is full. There are Christmas trees in the main entrance of every academic building and wreathes strung on every street light. Tonight is the first night of Christmas Fest - the time where over 500 St. Olaf choir students and the St. Olaf Orchestra come together to perform beautiful music for a room full of students, parents, and alums. In the caf, Bon Appetit is serving a classic Norwegian dinner - ham, potatoes, meatballs and, of course, lefse - with more cinnamon sugar and butter than one can imagine. Elderly people are spotted throughout campus wearing big smiles and Norwegian sweaters. While in line for more lefse, my roommate and I saw our favorite former Spanish professor and she gave us both a hug. There is just so much light and love on this hill this weekend and I am so happy I am here to experience it all. The Power of Christmas Music For me, Christmas music holds many emotions. I made a post about this last year but I can't help but repeat myself because that's how strong these emotions are. Unfortunately, certain Christmas songs bring back memories of my diagnosis. But fortunately these feelings remind me of all the love I was surrounded by during that scary and uncertain time. It is honestly one of the best feelings to be reminded of - and I hope it never goes away. I remember standing by our Christmas tree and taking selfies with my newly cut pixie while my favorite Christmas songs echoed throughout the house. I remember listening to Christmas music as I prepared for my hat party - and listening to it as I fell asleep after so many people had flooded my house and heart with hats, warmth and love. I remember listening to Christmas music when, after too many painful biopsies, we finally got the results - stage 2 Hodgkin's Lymphoma. And I was finally floooded witih relief. In light of all of these emotions, I thought I would (attempt) to share with you a (somewhat narrowed) list of some of my very favorite Christmas songs. To give you chills and feel like your heart is physically swelling: Mary Did You Know - Pentatonix Christmastime - Michael W. Smith Breath of Heaven - Amy Grant Home - Michael Bublé and Blake Shelton Almost There - Michael W. Smith and Amy Grant O Holy Night - Josh Groban Silent Night - Pentatonix Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas - Andrew Belle To make you feel like you can never be sad again: Cold December Night - Michael Bublé Gloria - Michael W. Smith Celebrate Me Home - Kenny Loggins God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman - The Barenaked Ladies Here is a spotify playlist of most of them if you would like to listen: Bridget's Christmas Playlist I hope you can all take comfort in these songs this holiday season. (Also, if you have any Christmas songs you love, please comment! I would love to add to my playlist). Love, Bridget This month, I felt like there were many moments where I thought, “I need to write that down.” And I have and now I want to share them with you all, especially during the Thanksgiving and holiday season. I hope you can all reflect on it in your own way. These are my reflections. “It is your direction, not your intentions that lead to your destination.” This past year I have questioning more than ever what I want to do after I graduate. Having gone through such an emotionally and mentally difficult time, I began to increasingly consider pursuing something like clinical psychology. It seems like cancer has kept popping up in my life ever since my diagnosis, so I felt like that was my “direction” - to be there to support these survivor’s mental and emotional health. But due to my physical disability, for a long time I have also considered occupational therapy. I have just recently realized this occupation could potentially overlap both of my passions. A lot of OT’s focus on mental health - and I could potentially also work with cancer patients who are dealing with motor issues as a result of treatment, such as neuropathy. “Why do we have to wait until people are at their worst before we help them?” Being interested in occupational therapy, I went to a talk given by an occupational therapist who has her own practice. It was very interesting to hear her career journey. She originally started out by working with patients who were on the verge of death, but that was too emotionally taxing for her. That’s when she wondered to herself - why do we have to wait until people are dying to help them? She then transitioned into running her own practice and applying a holistic approach where she really focuses on the power of the mind as well as the body. She said she really enjoys focusing on the mind - but she also said never to underestimate the healing powers of touch. This was really refreshing to hear. There are people out there whose goal is to help others get through their day to day life because sometimes that in and of itself is a struggle. There are so many different issues people struggle with - and one shouldn’t need to be on a hospital bed before those issues receive full attention. “What is stronger This was a poem slipped into my PO the day after the election when a lot of students on campus were hurting. There have been numerous other things this semester that have broken my heart. These broken hearts make it hard to try and carry on like nothing is wrong. But it is because of our hearts that we can carry on. Our hearts are strong and courageous. They may feel broken and defeated, but they keep beating and giving us life to move forward. “You have to hit rock bottom before you can go up." This was something my english professor said the day following the election. This seems like a very common quote, but I believe it can be applied in many ways. Right now, I think what is “rock bottom” is the divide splitting our country. How can we be a “united” country with such a deep divide? If we don’t come together, soon we will feel divided on so many other things that reach far beyond politics - and how will we support each other then? “You need to take care of yourself before you take care of others.” This was from a talk given by a psychology speaker and it hit me pretty hard. This requires a bit more personal context, but I will just say that I am often the person a lot of people to go to when they need to talk. I am so grateful I can be that person for them. However, I think that is where a lot of my heartbreak has come from these past few months - which I think has broken me a little more than I realize. I need to remember to care for myself amidst caring for others. “this is the journey of surviving through poetry This was on the back of the poetry book my friend Maddie gave me for my 21st birthday and I think it sums up everything I am feeling.
I hope you can take something from at least one of these quotes as we all give thanks and love not only this week but in the months to come. <3 Dear Mr. Bublé, A couple of winters ago, it was late at night and I was laying wide awake in my bed. It had been a hard day because it felt like cancer was claiming a victory over everything. Treatment felt like it would never end, my friends were leading normal lives at college and it felt like my normal life would never resume. Cancer had become my new normal and there was nothing I could do. Often on nights when I have a lot of thoughts/emotions whirling in my head, I listen to music before I slip into sleep. On this night, the light from my iPad was the only illumination in my room as I scrolled through a Spotify playlist I had found called "Down in the Dumps." Suddenly, your song "Lost" appeared on the screen. This word instantly resonated with me. I saw your name below the title and immediately my heart became hopeful. I tapped play and snuggled deeper under my covers. As the music started, I felt chills down my spine. By the end of the first chorus, there were tears on my pillow. It is hard to fully describe, but I felt like the pieces of my heart were coming back together. Your words encompassed my struggles perfectly and suddenly I didn't feel so alone. I know we have never met, but I want you to know how much your words and music has meant to me. On days when I didn't have chemo and I felt like I had strength and courage, I would fill the empty house with "Feeling Good" and dance around, smiling through it all. Today, I go to the gym on campus and blast that same song, smiling at the sudden strength it seems to give my body as I feel more powerful than I ever have before. I listen to "Everything," dreaming about the day I find someone to spend the rest of my life with because I have so much hope for my future. I have so much hope after making it through a dark time, and your music helps get me through. This week, I was heartbroken to read the news about your son. Having gone through this, it seems to be that much harder to see someone else diagnosed. I extend my deepest sympathies to you, your son, and the rest of your family. You have given me hope through your songs and now I hope to do the same. Cancer is hard because it is something we have no control over. However, I have no doubt that you are surrounded by the best caregivers and support system. Love, I believe, is cancer's deadliest weapon. Love makes you believe there is hope. Love lets you see the light. Love makes you feel like you belong, no matter how broken you feel. With love, you're not lost. wishing you peace - a hopeful survivor when you feel like you're done Tonight I am emotionally drained, and I need to pour the rest of my emotions into writing while they are still strong and in the front of my mind. Tonight I saw a play that struck a chord so deep I could barely hold myself together. Max Wojtanowicz, a 2006 St. Olaf grad, was diagnosed with stage 3 testicular cancer this (yes, THIS) January. And today he is in remission, sharing his cancer story through an original musical, which is what I saw tonight. The cool thing is that I think everyone could relate to what he was saying to some degree. And of course, it struck me very deeply. Here are some things that stuck with me and I hope I never forget.
Max talked about chemo brain (or what he described as the "c-card") and how it didn't affect him the way his doctors told him it might (experiencing memory loss or trouble finding the right words). Instead, his chemo brain meant hearing voices inside his head. Voices saying that he should be doing something productive with his time. After all, you feel better today, so why don't you clean your room? Why don't you learn to play the guitar? You're not doing anything else with your time. I remember feeling this every day. Stop sitting here watching TV, Bridget. Go play the piano. Go for a walk. Go clean your room. Go drive somewhere. But I just could never bring myself to do any of that, especially because I was alone so often. And looking back, I wish I had pushed those voices away and let myself do whatever I felt most comfortable with. These voices also included thinking about his problem in relation to other people's problems and thinking that other's problems were bigger than his. I have felt this as well, especially after completing treatment and being in remission. Many people struggle with so many different things that we often don't even know about. But I shared my story pretty openly - and in doing so I received so much support and love to help me through. Many people don't publicly share their personal problems/struggles with the world that openly - and a lot of these problems can't be solved with specific treatments or drugs like mine was. Towards the end of the play, Max talked about how his father was diagnosed with cancer 7 years ago. His father fought hard for 3 years, but ended up losing the battle. You could see the raw emotion on stage as Max described some of the guilt he felt and how he doesn't feel as brave as people say he is. Because to him, his father will always be the bravest person he knows. I think this will always be a struggle for me - a form of "survivor's guilt." Seeing others diagnosed with cancer - wondering why these things have to happen to them - feeling helpless when their diagnosis seems more difficult to treat. But in the end, Max asked - should I really be telling this story? Do people really want to hear it? Do I tell it to get sympathy? Who am I telling it for? And he answered: "I tell it for myself. Because I need to hear it." I was in tears by this point, because everything he said resonated with me so deeply. Yes, I had been pretty open about what I was going through - but I realized I was so open because I also just longed for connection during a time when my life just felt so different from everyone else's. And my pain and struggles inspired others, which is also something I needed to realize for myself. As hard as this was, I could be a light for someone else. Never has this been more true than right now. I have several friends going through some pretty hard times at the moment - and some of these friends are across the country. It has been a pretty hard week because I have felt helpless. It pains me so much that I can't be near these friends to offer more support. But I hope I can still support them the way people comforted me when I felt alone. To conclude, this Friday I received an anonymous white rose in my PO box. I'm still not sure who the sender is - but I appreciate it so much. This week I have struggled with not being able to give enough support, and then a form of love/support is anonymously slipped into my PO. It is comforting to know how much love there is in this world sometimes. I am trying my best to nurture this rose - to keep it alive and beautiful because it reminds me that there is comfort, there is love, and, most importantly, there is hope. |