Last weekend, I went to see Aladdin the musical. I was captivated by the pure magic of it all - the colors, costumes, music and lights. My favorite was the magic carpet scene - Aladdin and Jasmine began to sing about their dreams to experience a new world, and soon began to float above the stage. Even though they were in the middle of singing, the audience started clapping and you could hear audible gasps throughout the theatre as people simply could not contain their pure awe and wonder. There they were, suspended in midair among a shimmering night sky before our eyes. My breath caught in my throat as I felt the tangible sense of magic in the room.
This weekend, I witnessed magic in another form - through love and human connection. I spent Saturday saying goodbye to someone I will always hold close to my heart. The room was filled with people who had unending love for this person and it was visible everywhere you looked. At times I felt broken as I shook under the weight of the grief I felt. But there was always someone nearby to hold me up and put a strong, reassuring arm around me. I felt a healing power in the sense of touch, and that spoke volumes. I also felt a healing power in the love that shone from this person we have lost. During this time, it felt like my life was suspended among the shining light that had radiated from this person's life. And like the magic carpet, I felt my soul flying through it all - the warmth, the love and the pure magic of the human connections that were formed in these friendships. This person had magic inside them and shared it with everyone they met. You could see this magic shining through everyone there as they hugged and supported each other. As I drove home, light broke through the clouds and warmed my tear-stained face. I felt a sense of peace as my life settled back into reality, because I knew this light would always be inside me and I was going to do my best to spend my life sharing this person's radiance with the world. We all have magic inside us, which is a powerful thing that we must not shy away from. This magic holds human connections together so strongly and so beautifully. And just think of the world we would have if we started to spread our wings and sprinkle this magic to everyone around us.
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Dear Mr. Bublé, A couple of winters ago, it was late at night and I was laying wide awake in my bed. It had been a hard day because it felt like cancer was claiming a victory over everything. Treatment felt like it would never end, my friends were leading normal lives at college and it felt like my normal life would never resume. Cancer had become my new normal and there was nothing I could do. Often on nights when I have a lot of thoughts/emotions whirling in my head, I listen to music before I slip into sleep. On this night, the light from my iPad was the only illumination in my room as I scrolled through a Spotify playlist I had found called "Down in the Dumps." Suddenly, your song "Lost" appeared on the screen. This word instantly resonated with me. I saw your name below the title and immediately my heart became hopeful. I tapped play and snuggled deeper under my covers. As the music started, I felt chills down my spine. By the end of the first chorus, there were tears on my pillow. It is hard to fully describe, but I felt like the pieces of my heart were coming back together. Your words encompassed my struggles perfectly and suddenly I didn't feel so alone. I know we have never met, but I want you to know how much your words and music has meant to me. On days when I didn't have chemo and I felt like I had strength and courage, I would fill the empty house with "Feeling Good" and dance around, smiling through it all. Today, I go to the gym on campus and blast that same song, smiling at the sudden strength it seems to give my body as I feel more powerful than I ever have before. I listen to "Everything," dreaming about the day I find someone to spend the rest of my life with because I have so much hope for my future. I have so much hope after making it through a dark time, and your music helps get me through. This week, I was heartbroken to read the news about your son. Having gone through this, it seems to be that much harder to see someone else diagnosed. I extend my deepest sympathies to you, your son, and the rest of your family. You have given me hope through your songs and now I hope to do the same. Cancer is hard because it is something we have no control over. However, I have no doubt that you are surrounded by the best caregivers and support system. Love, I believe, is cancer's deadliest weapon. Love makes you believe there is hope. Love lets you see the light. Love makes you feel like you belong, no matter how broken you feel. With love, you're not lost. wishing you peace - a hopeful survivor when you feel like you're done Tonight I am emotionally drained, and I need to pour the rest of my emotions into writing while they are still strong and in the front of my mind. Tonight I saw a play that struck a chord so deep I could barely hold myself together. Max Wojtanowicz, a 2006 St. Olaf grad, was diagnosed with stage 3 testicular cancer this (yes, THIS) January. And today he is in remission, sharing his cancer story through an original musical, which is what I saw tonight. The cool thing is that I think everyone could relate to what he was saying to some degree. And of course, it struck me very deeply. Here are some things that stuck with me and I hope I never forget.
Max talked about chemo brain (or what he described as the "c-card") and how it didn't affect him the way his doctors told him it might (experiencing memory loss or trouble finding the right words). Instead, his chemo brain meant hearing voices inside his head. Voices saying that he should be doing something productive with his time. After all, you feel better today, so why don't you clean your room? Why don't you learn to play the guitar? You're not doing anything else with your time. I remember feeling this every day. Stop sitting here watching TV, Bridget. Go play the piano. Go for a walk. Go clean your room. Go drive somewhere. But I just could never bring myself to do any of that, especially because I was alone so often. And looking back, I wish I had pushed those voices away and let myself do whatever I felt most comfortable with. These voices also included thinking about his problem in relation to other people's problems and thinking that other's problems were bigger than his. I have felt this as well, especially after completing treatment and being in remission. Many people struggle with so many different things that we often don't even know about. But I shared my story pretty openly - and in doing so I received so much support and love to help me through. Many people don't publicly share their personal problems/struggles with the world that openly - and a lot of these problems can't be solved with specific treatments or drugs like mine was. Towards the end of the play, Max talked about how his father was diagnosed with cancer 7 years ago. His father fought hard for 3 years, but ended up losing the battle. You could see the raw emotion on stage as Max described some of the guilt he felt and how he doesn't feel as brave as people say he is. Because to him, his father will always be the bravest person he knows. I think this will always be a struggle for me - a form of "survivor's guilt." Seeing others diagnosed with cancer - wondering why these things have to happen to them - feeling helpless when their diagnosis seems more difficult to treat. But in the end, Max asked - should I really be telling this story? Do people really want to hear it? Do I tell it to get sympathy? Who am I telling it for? And he answered: "I tell it for myself. Because I need to hear it." I was in tears by this point, because everything he said resonated with me so deeply. Yes, I had been pretty open about what I was going through - but I realized I was so open because I also just longed for connection during a time when my life just felt so different from everyone else's. And my pain and struggles inspired others, which is also something I needed to realize for myself. As hard as this was, I could be a light for someone else. Never has this been more true than right now. I have several friends going through some pretty hard times at the moment - and some of these friends are across the country. It has been a pretty hard week because I have felt helpless. It pains me so much that I can't be near these friends to offer more support. But I hope I can still support them the way people comforted me when I felt alone. To conclude, this Friday I received an anonymous white rose in my PO box. I'm still not sure who the sender is - but I appreciate it so much. This week I have struggled with not being able to give enough support, and then a form of love/support is anonymously slipped into my PO. It is comforting to know how much love there is in this world sometimes. I am trying my best to nurture this rose - to keep it alive and beautiful because it reminds me that there is comfort, there is love, and, most importantly, there is hope. Happy Easter everyone! Today, I'm doing something that I haven't done much before which is to reflect on my Lent experience. This past year I feel like I have really grown in my faith which has caused me to really think about and reflect on these last 40 days.
I would first like to say that a big part of my reflection has stemmed from my experience in Saint Paul's Outreach (SPO), which is the Catholic group on campus I have come to value a lot this year. With that said, here is what I learned Lent can be about. Giving Up My Time I feel like a lot of times, people can be too concerned with what they are "giving up" for Lent. Sweets, caffeine and social media always seem to be popular ones. I found myself in this place at the beginning of Lent. I knew that I had been extremely blessed this past year, and for that I really felt like I needed to give something up that would be challenging. But during the beginning of Lent at SPO we talked about how that isn't always necessarily the meaning of this time. Rather, it can be important to give up things we don't normally think about, like your time. Whether that be to doing something you don't normally do, volunteering or spending time with others. And that really got me thinking about what I had done so far and what I could continue to do during Lent. For example, this semester I signed up to volunteer for something called Story Circle. Essentially, I was assigned a resident and every Tuesday afternoon I take the bus to the Northfield Retirement Home and visit with them for an hour. It's really interesting because my resident has had some medical problems and now can only really say yes or no. After the first visit, I realized how much I will have to lead our conversations. I felt awkward talking so much about my life, but then I realized that my resident really appreciated my time and was just happy to have company. I'm hoping that by doing this I can make her day a little more enjoyable. Also, as many of you know, I just went on a service trip with St. Olaf students over spring break as part of Ole Spring Relief. It felt really good to spend my time giving to others. By giving my time, I helped provide relief for tornado victims in Moore, Oklahoma by building a shed. On the last day, as we were waiting for our bus, a neighbor came over and told us how much she appreciated the work we did. She then went on to describe all the damage the 2013 and 2015 tornadoes did to their home. This really put our service work into perspective and it was really rewarding to see how grateful she was for us giving up our time to these victims. One last thing is that I am trying (and struggling) to get into a routine of going to the gym more often. I started going more often than I ever have before, and by giving up this time to exercising I feel that I am bettering myself which always makes me feel more confident. Building Relationships Through these experiences of giving my time, I have also built stronger relationships with others both on and off campus. I feel like I have really grown closer to the SPO group on campus, both through the things I've learned and the people I've connected with. I feel like we've become a stronger group this year which I am really thankful for. For Story Circle, at first it was hard to begin to relate to my resident because I didn't really know how to lead the conversation. But as this semester has gone on we have completed puzzles together and I have learned more about her by asking questions. The last time I visited, when I walked through the door she jumped a little excitedly in her chair and then when I left she blew me a kiss goodbye which really warmed my heart. I'm glad I can finally establish a connection with her and know that she is excited to see me. <3 I also met so many great people on OSR. We learned to build sheds together which established a strong sense of teamwork. Also, one night we all shared something we struggled with which was really, really powerful. And after we all hugged each other and that brought us all even closer together. I'm really excited to continue building these relationships when I return to campus. Building My Faith About a month ago, I attended a weekend retreat called Fan Into Flame (which was also through SPO, imagine that!) Here, I learned a lot about my faith. I feel like my faith definitely shifted some last year during my treatment, and this year I found myself looking at all of its pieces and figuring out how to reassemble them. This retreat definitely helped me do that. I shared my story with some people at the retreat, and as I shared, I realized how thankful I am for everything last year. I realized that I see God's work experience by experience, and each one has changed and shaped who I am. I also felt His presence more than I ever have, and I think that was exactly what I needed. Also, on OSR, one activity we did required us to write down some of our values, goals, experiences and identities. Once we had them all written down, we had to take two away and continue to do so until we had one left. This was extremely challenging and really put things into perspective. For example, one of my identities I wrote was "Christian." I have always grown up in the Christian faith, but unfortunately, as of a couple years ago that word probably never would have crossed my mind to write down. But this activity just proved how important this is to me as it was one of the last values to leave. It's really good for me to write this all out and continue to reflect on everything I learned these past few months. For Lent, I think it can be important to just give. Give yourself to volunteering, give yourself to others and build relationships, and give yourself to grow in your faith. In the future, I encourage all of you to give more in your own way because I can say that it is truly rewarding both for others and for yourself. Happy Easter. <3 Love, Bridget I can't believe I have almost completed my first FULL semester at Olaf already. It's certainly been a great one:
I was able to connect with other cancer survivors, which isn't the greatest thing to have in common, but it has been truly comforting and rewarding in that I've discovered very sweet, kind hearted people who never deserved to have this disease enter their lives. But we can support each other through it all which I know can have a big impact. The classes I've taken have also been really interesting/inspiring to me. When I was going back to school, I was very scared after being away for so long. I was scared of "chemo brain", scared of getting back to classes, and just the college routine in general. I didn't know how tired I would be, or how much I could keep up with everything. But, looking back on this semester, I have to say I am pretty proud of myself. Here are some highlights: Spanish I took an upper level Spanish class, and was so worried about my level of Spanish having not spoken it for 8+ months. The whole class was in Spanish, and soon I was reading Spanish articles/watching Spanish videos with no problem. But my favorite thing I did was for our final presentation. We could pick a topic to discuss in Latin America (because that is a huge topic in the class - looking at cultures in other Spanish speaking countries, and how they relate to the U.S.). I wanted to pick something I am passionate about, so I looked at what kinds of access the disabled have in Latin America. To my shock, the disabled have very limited access to education, employment and transportation, but advancements are being made, slowly but surely. It was just really interesting that I could discuss something I am passionate about in Spanish while also looking at it's effects in other parts of the world. Chemistry I originally thought I would need Chemistry for grad school, but after talking with other professors/pre-health people, we concluded I do not need to continue taking it (which I am VERY excited about). But I still completed this one semester which, actually, wasn't as bad as I feared. I'm just glad I'm forever done with that three hour chem lab every week: Research Methods This is the class that took the most out of me. We conducted a semester long research project, which proved to be A LOT of work. But looking back, I'm quite proud of what our group has accomplished. We looked at how music volume levels can affect visual attention (specifically by playing the song "Hey Ya!" by Outkast while participants completed a visual search task online). This is our poster we recently presented to other students/professors, and I have to say I'm pretty proud of all the work we've done so I felt the need to share. (And I just now submitted the final 21 page paper and I'm trying to hold in my tears of joy). So yes. It's been a great past few months, compared to what my previous year has been. And tomorrow, I will take my first ever final at St. Olaf, which is scary but also quite exciting. And I am even more excited for second semester, because I think those classes can really help me in choosing my career path. But more on that in the future. :) Thank you for showing interest in my happiness, I'm glad I can share some of it with you. Good luck to my friends with finals, and Merry Christmas everyone! xx Bridget |